"Being broadcast from Dr. Ninja's secret ninja lair, located between Bead It! and Icing by Claire's in Mall of America, the nation's largest retail and entertainment complex!"
Hello, this is Dr. Ninja. (is this thing on?) Dr. Ninja welcomes you all to secret lair, where if you buy 3 throwing stars, the 4th one is free! (Are you sure this is on? Dr Ninja no see red light on.) Today, Dr. Ninja talk about New Year's resolutions, and how people are stupid. Most people make silly resolution, like lose weight, be better person, or not have sex with animals. Ok, last one is good one - Dr. Ninja not approve of bestiality.
So, today Dr. Ninja would like to encourage you to throw away silly resolutions, like:
1) "resolve to be better person". person is defined by Webster's to mean living human. That is like saying "I want to be better kitty cat". Human is made up of skin and organs - are you going to steal better skin/organs? If so, that nasty. Do not try to steal Dr. Ninja's flesh - Dr. Ninja will smash you flat.
2) "resolve to eat less". Dr. Ninja say - eat as much as you want, just get off fat ass and work out.
3) "resolve to work out more". Please do not try to kid Dr. Ninja - everybody know that you are lazy, and do not work out at all. This is ok. Just do not lie to Dr. Ninja.
4) "resolve to drink less/smoke less/etc". Vice is good. If it was not good, you would not do it in the first place. You are really saying "Society dictates what I think, and I resolve to not do the things I really enjoy." Now, does that make sense? Dr. Ninja thought not.
And suggests the following alternatives:
1) resolve to take over world. This way, if you fail, you fail big. And if you succeed, then you would owe Dr. Ninja big-time!
2) resolve to discover alternate universe. Dr. Ninja actually discover alternate universe once - drink too much saki, and fall down steps. Woke up 3 days later in geisha costume - Dr. Ninja know that this mean Dr. Ninja was transported to alternate dimension....what else could it be?
3) resolve to punch a celebrity in the face. Dr. Ninja recommend picking dead celebrity - this means a) you can just dig them up, they don't fight back, and b) no lawsuit.
4) resolve to spend more time naked. (for female readers, may Dr. Ninja suggest spending more time naked in front of camera? Dr. Ninja would be happy to provide addressed, postage-paid envelope).
Oh, and just remember - even though western new year was 1/01, Chinese new year is 1/22 - so Dr. Ninja is either very early, or very late.