Seeking advice? Knowledge? Someone to kill your enemies? Look no further!
IM: Ask Dr Ninja
Email: dr.ninja@gmail.com
Here's the first T-shirt design - thanks to squidgey for the brainpower, and Critical for the ability to spend hours in MS Paint doing a lot of nothing.
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Dr. Ninja going into semi-retirement, like Jay-Z. Maybe more to come, maybe giant hamsters. Dr. Ninja no know.
Posted at 01:06 pm by Dr. Ninja
Take Dr. Ninja with you.
(Tis the first 'official' post of Dr. Ninja - welcome to any who stumble here, feel free to leave a comment or request for advice.)
Dr. Ninja come back, but not to finish article. Article suck. Dr. Ninja feel coming up with reasons why you no get dates is stupid - like walking into ninja training camp while not wearing groin cup. Soooo, Dr. Ninja bring you:
HOW TO GET A DATE
#1 - Try.
This mean stop having apathy because you do not have date. Lion does not sit around waiting for gazelle to jump into mouth.
#2 - Clean up your act.
Start taking pride in appearance. You do not have to dress to make the other sex believe you are rich or have big package/chest - just make sure that grooming is done, and steps are taken to alleviate any unpleasant odor. No more sweatpants/tshirts with holes, either. Unkempt only work in Gap ad, not in real life. In real life, trying for unkempt makes you look dirty.
#3 - Get Out.
Dr. Ninja say you cannot meet people on your couch. Unless you find them in couch cushion, which is not good. Must go out occasionally - have you ever had someone come up to you and say "You look familiar...are you that person that sits on their couch all day and never comes outside?" Dr. Ninja think not.
#4 - Hang Out.
Now that you are out, stay out. This help. Step 3 mean go to grocery store, bookstore, things you might do on the Internet. Internet bad for meeting people. This step more about going out with friends in social settings. Important.
#5 - Smile for the camera.
Now that you are out, if you make eye contact with member of opposite sex that you fancy, smile. Not big cheesy creepy smile, like serial killer. Just smile to say hello.
This all for now - Dr. Ninja try to post more.
Dr. Ninja say "Man who stand on toilet high on pot."
Posted at 01:02 pm by Dr. Ninja
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Dr. Ninja returns (#7) - part 1 Greetings, fellow students on the path to total enlightenment. It is Dr. Ninja, here to yell and wave arms about like crazy person.
Dr. Ninja was reading blog this morning, and decided to give requested advice.
Why VERY INTELLIGENT women fail with men
Reason #1. They're wrong, but they can't or won't see it or admit it
Dr. Ninja believe most women suffer from this, not just very intelligent ones. Women have innate ability to, when in argument, to change topic suddenly like ninja to one where woman is right. Example:
Dr. Ninja: prepare to die!
Shirou: why?
Dr. Ninja: because you kill Dr. Ninja's sensei!
Shirou: Well, what about the time you hurt my feelings by not complimenting my new kimono? I didn't kill you then!
Dr. Ninja: what?
Reason #2: They're blind and arrogant
*Remember - Dr Ninja did not make these titles, just take them from existing article. Dr. Ninja see this in very intelligent women - they rather prove point than swallow pride to make relationship less bumpy. Sometimes in relationship no one wins - this is what Dr. Ninja refers to as "dating". If argument occur, but neither one want to apologize or back down, then relationship turn into relationshit. This require one party to be bigger person, and say "ok, lets stop fighting and make sweet sweet love". Ok, forget sweet sweet love part for now. However, most very intelligent women know they are right, so refuse to give inch. This bad. Now, Dr. Ninja not saying men shouldn't give inch - most of time, men probably wrong in relationship. However, this article for very intelligent women, not guys.
Reason #3: Poor social skills
This one is gimme. Very intelligent women normally do not have good social skills - they have hard time communicating with most guys, and have natural sarcasm/condescension. Guys dont like when women they first meet talk down to them - not sexy. Plus, most very intelligent women have odd quirks like bad jokes, correcting grammar, or sock collections. Dr. Ninja not mean anyone in particular, just saying - it hard for guys who just getting to know girl when they discover she has weird habit, like sniffing armpits. Poor Critical.
Reason #4: They psyche themselves out
This is tough one - see, most women believe in fairytale relationship, so each relationship has to be 'the one'. Dr. Ninja appreciate each sword - Dr. Ninja do not expect sword to last forever, because that is unrealistic. Dr. Ninja just look forward to killing many enemies with sword, therefore does not put too much pressure on sword. That most cases. Very intelligent women though, sometimes get psyched out for different reason - they analyze relationships/dating, and believe that relationship will not work because guys are scum, or dating will interfere with career - whatever reason, girl limits relationship possibilities before they start. This bad.
Reason #5: They seek only informational solutions
Dr. Ninja doesnt like this title. Very intelligent women use logic in relationship sometimes when should be using emotion - thinking with heart instead of head. That what title mean, but Dr. Dating take too long to say.
Dr. Ninja will complete column some other time, when not busy.
*throws down smoke bomb* Ninja vanish! -poof-
Dr. Ninja
Posted at 11:17 am by Dr. Ninja
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Dr. Ninja's New Years Resolutions (#6) (Originally posted on 1-12-04, but reprinted here for continuity)
"Being broadcast from Dr. Ninja's secret ninja lair, located between Bead It! and Icing by Claire's in Mall of America, the nation's largest retail and entertainment complex!"
Hello, this is Dr. Ninja. (is this thing on?) Dr. Ninja welcomes you all to secret lair, where if you buy 3 throwing stars, the 4th one is free! (Are you sure this is on? Dr Ninja no see red light on.) Today, Dr. Ninja talk about New Year's resolutions, and how people are stupid. Most people make silly resolution, like lose weight, be better person, or not have sex with animals. Ok, last one is good one - Dr. Ninja not approve of bestiality.
So, today Dr. Ninja would like to encourage you to throw away silly resolutions, like:
1) "resolve to be better person". person is defined by Webster's to mean living human. That is like saying "I want to be better kitty cat". Human is made up of skin and organs - are you going to steal better skin/organs? If so, that nasty. Do not try to steal Dr. Ninja's flesh - Dr. Ninja will smash you flat.
2) "resolve to eat less". Dr. Ninja say - eat as much as you want, just get off fat ass and work out.
3) "resolve to work out more". Please do not try to kid Dr. Ninja - everybody know that you are lazy, and do not work out at all. This is ok. Just do not lie to Dr. Ninja.
4) "resolve to drink less/smoke less/etc". Vice is good. If it was not good, you would not do it in the first place. You are really saying "Society dictates what I think, and I resolve to not do the things I really enjoy." Now, does that make sense? Dr. Ninja thought not.
And suggests the following alternatives:
1) resolve to take over world. This way, if you fail, you fail big. And if you succeed, then you would owe Dr. Ninja big-time!
2) resolve to discover alternate universe. Dr. Ninja actually discover alternate universe once - drink too much saki, and fall down steps. Woke up 3 days later in geisha costume - Dr. Ninja know that this mean Dr. Ninja was transported to alternate dimension....what else could it be?
3) resolve to punch a celebrity in the face. Dr. Ninja recommend picking dead celebrity - this means a) you can just dig them up, they don't fight back, and b) no lawsuit.
4) resolve to spend more time naked. (for female readers, may Dr. Ninja suggest spending more time naked in front of camera? Dr. Ninja would be happy to provide addressed, postage-paid envelope).
Oh, and just remember - even though western new year was 1/01, Chinese new year is 1/22 - so Dr. Ninja is either very early, or very late.
Posted at 09:50 am by Dr. Ninja
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Dear Dr Ninja:
I hate you.
Critical
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Dear Critical-
Dr. Ninja knows where you live and when you go to sleep. Pleasant dreams.
Dr. Ninja
Posted at 09:49 am by Dr. Ninja
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[To all readers, Dr. Ninja loves you very much! Critical has hurt feelings cause you don't ask his advice, but Dr. Ninja has always said that Critical is sissy-boy who cry too much, so Dr. Ninja is laughing right now at Critical. Come, laugh with Dr. Ninja at Critical. Hah hah haa!]
Dear Dr. Ninja,
My best friend (female) recently offered me $500 to dump my boyfriend. Upon hearing my story, another friend (male) also offered me $500 to dump my boyfriend. What do you think I should do?
-Fashiongrrl :)
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Dear Fashiongrrrrrrrl:
Dr. Ninja much appreciate your comment...Dr. Ninja have two comments for you, then give you special advice.
1) Dr. Ninja think name spelled with rr's very sexxy. Dr. Ninja might just become Drr. Ninja, to be sexy too.
2) Dr. Ninja sorry about Mrs. Ninja. Maybe if you and Dr. Ninja met in Ninja Medical School, when Dr. was still single ninja.......but, never think about what might have been. Dr. Ninja do not sit thinking about past, because then Dr. Ninja might regret not severing head of an enemy, or not having cool eyepatch. Ok, so advice time.
Dr. Ninja think not all facts are obvious (like ninja facts!), so Dr. Ninja hesitate to give advice about complicated subject involving feelings and intricate relationships between two people who might be in love...but, cash money rule world, so $1,000 is better than love any day. Dr. Ninja think you should dump boyfriend, because it take courage for friends to speak ill of boyfriend - meaning even though friends joke, they hate boyfriend maybe just a little. You may have reservations, like perhaps boyfriend have big wang or nice car - but, all relationships doomed to fail, so at least you get money when this one go in toilet. Dr Ninja hope you make right choice for you - because for some people, big wang beat money. Remember, if true love, then boyfriend should be willing to pay you $1500 to stay with him - either way, you big winner!
grrrrrr,
Dr. Ninja
Posted at 09:46 am by Dr. Ninja
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(Wow, this fool is popular - personally I think he gives out too many ninja secrets, but I don't want to make him too angry).
And now, 3 time Daytime Emmy nominated "Ask Dr. Ninja"!
Dear Dr. Ninja,
Recently I was told that I need a fuck buddy. I have since gotten multiple offers. How do I go about choosing one? -Brainiac
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Dear Brainiac:
Ah, age-old dilemma - 'who do I bang'? You lucky Dr. Ninja is married, or else question would be answered with nunchukas! Wait, what do that mean? Even Dr. Ninja does not know! Anyway, fuck-buddy question is very big dilemma - if you throw around punani, do you lose respect? If you bang friend, and nobody around to see it, does tree still make noise? Wait, Dr. Ninja getting confused again. Dr. Ninja on vicodin right now, but it ok, Dr. Ninja still have answer. Have several answers:
1) Bang Horny Rapper. He want bang, you want bang, it like chitty chitty bang bang. Ask yourself - what is worst thing that could happen if you bang Horny Rapper? Emotional attachment, complication of relationship. Now, this going to come up sooner or later no matter what you do, unless Horny Rapper get laid soon. What best thing that could happen if you bang Horny Rapper? Great sexing. Personally, this Dr. Ninja's first choice for you. Stick with what you know. Next time you hang out, think "I could be getting mine" - see if that thought discust you. If not.....
2) Invest in adult novelty toys until "better man" come along, like Pearl Jam song. This is not as good, but avoid awkward relationship with someone - Dr. Ninja think you are considering this one.
3) Go to bar, find cute guy, get drunk. A+B=Sex. This is like playing sex lottery, however. This is 3rd choice. It good, but could have repercussions like 1812 overture.
4) Become bi-curious. Now that Dr. Ninja think about it, this is best all-around choice. Two women mean less chance of strange new direction in friendship, as women all feel same way about fb. See, women cannot have fb - sooner or later, it spawn emotional content. This why Dr. Ninja recommend going with option 4. Less chance of ruining friendship, sexier partner, more attention to your needs, and of course, at any point and time you can stop being bi-curious, and men will flock to you like nerds to Nintendo.
5) Dr. Ninja OBLIGATED to Critical, so must of course suggest Rock. Rock is like box of legos - if you put them together just right, you could have big phallic lego. Wait. Dr. Ninja mean, if you assemble right, you could have perfect man. He fixer-upper that have great potential.
Above all, be true to yourself, and tell Dr. Ninja what you choose. If option 4, please include pictures.
Ain't nothin to it but to do it,
Dr. Ninja
Posted at 09:45 am by Dr. Ninja
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From Ask Dr. Ninja:
Dear Dr. Ninja:
I'm a 23 year old in moderately good shape looking to get laid. Any advice?
The Horny Rapper
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Dear Horny:
I do have advice for you.
1) Stop going out with girls to places. In order to be single, you should look single. Your lady friends are smashing your game like Godzilla smash Dr. Ninja's dojo. Replace girls with male friends, preferably wingman who is not more attractive than you (but not ugly either).
2) If you go to bar, do not get all shitfaced. Not attractive. Try to get half-shitfaced, so you can put together coherent sentences.
3) Do not hunt game at bar - go to gym, or grocery store. Dr. Ninja has picked up nice cantelopes in grocery store, if you know what Dr. Ninja mean. heh heh.
4) No mean no. Pepper spray mean "hell no".
5) Stick with funny, but do not use line to meet girl. Women sense crappy line like ninja sense '2 for 1 sale' at Ninjas R Us.
6) You could go back to college. That work for Dr. Ninja.
7) Can you say fuck-buddy? Dr. Ninja thought you could.
8) Try to keep penis in pants until she asks. Or until she asleep.
9) Finally, do not look to get laid. Women have ninja-sense that detects one-night-stand desire.
10) TRUE SUPER-SECRET NINJA TRICK - DO NOT KISS ON FIRST DATE. All other advice is crap compared to this one. Now, Dr Ninja not suggest how you get first date, as court date is pending - but trust Dr. Ninja on this one. If you go out on first date, do not kiss woman....it magical trick to make woman want you, trust Dr. Ninja.
Dr. Ninja hate giving away secret ninja trick where women can see, but Dr. Ninja like you. Dr. Ninja hope to one day call you "pimpninja" - not soon though, because you ask Dr. Ninja for horny advice. For now, only Dr. Ninja can be called pimpninja, for he give advice.
Put your pimpfoot forward and let the other one follow,
Dr. Ninja
Posted at 09:37 am by Dr. Ninja
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And now, popular syndicated advice columnist and close personal friend, Dr. Ninja is here to make your life easier by answering your questions!
Dear Dr. Ninja:
I am a 30 year old wife and mother of 2, but lately I have been having thoughts about a certain male coworker. Even though he's married, I think he feels the same way. What should I do?
The confused secretary
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Dear Confused Secretary:
You are whore. If you were my wife, or even one of my geisha, I would slaughter you like dirty whore that you are, or perhaps poison your sushi. I believe you should leave your husband so you do not dishonor him by making him kill you in front of your children. Go commit seppuku and leave me alone, I have to assasinate warlord.
Dr. Ninja
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Dear Dr. Ninja:
Recently, I have been thinking about my male friend in an increasingly sexual manner. He's always been nice to me, but recently I have started to notice his butt, and have been finding him more and more attractive? Does this make me gay?
Queer Eye?
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Dear Queer Eye:
Yes, this makes you gay. I am sending complimentary pink ninja uniform, because Dr. Ninja does not hate homosexuals. Just the homosexual ninjas of Dr. Ninja's enemy.
Dr. Ninja
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Dear Dr. Ninja:
I feel like I'm stuck in a dead-end job, with no chance of promotion. What should I do?
Stagnant
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Dear Stagnant:
Become ninja. Job prospects good, get to kill people often, and good dental plan.
Dr. Ninja
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Dear Dr. Ninja:
I'm only 15 years old, but I met a really great girl in my Trigonometry class. She's funny, smart, and really cute. I'm really interested in her, and she invited me to a party this Friday night, but my parents won't let me go because there won't be adult supervision. What should I do?
Desperately Seeking Susan
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Dear Desperately:
Please stop whining about sissy life. When Dr. Ninja was 15, Dr. Ninja had already avenged parents murder and had just finished battling horrible monsters from hell. In fact, for 15th birthday, Dr. Ninja got stabbed by half-man, half-demon wielding pitchfork and defiling buddhist temple. Was not good day for Dr. Ninja. So, Dr. Ninja suggests you slip green lotus into mother and father's ceremonial tea, and then steathly perform ninja vanish when parents become unconscious. Remember ancient ninja secret: When everyone become unconscious, you become invisible.
Dr. Ninja
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Well folks, that all for now. Dr. Ninja say goodnight, and make sure to kill in their sleep any masterless samurai who wander land, because they always turn out to be badass ninja killers.
Peace out, Dr. Ninja
Posted at 09:35 am by Dr. Ninja
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